By Kelsey Knitter, Elder & Disability Law Clinic Student, Spring 2017
I came to the Elder and Disability Law Clinic with a unique experience; both of my parents are Elder Law attorneys. I have heard them discussing some of their most difficult cases, cases involving family members fighting over loved ones. I was shocked that family members could be so at odds that they needed to go to court while a parent was dying. I remember thinking how that would never happen in my family because we all love each other and just want what’s best for our parents/grandparents.
However, I have started to learn that in many of these situations, it’s not that one member of the family is acting maliciously (thought that obviously can be the case); instead, both children often care so much for their parents but they sometimes just don’t agree on what is best given the circumstances. As my own grandparents have begun to age, I can see much more clearly how such disagreements can occur.
Another common problem that arises when a family member is dealing with an aging senior is that the senior may become uncooperative and unwilling to compromise. In order to alleviate this tension, it is important to remember that the senior does not want to feel like he is losing control. Approaching this conversation as a discussion about what the senior wants is one way to hopefully avoid conflict. Additionally, having this conversation early, while the senior is still competent, is all the more important for avoiding such a tension.
My mother and uncle recently had this conversation with their own parents, my grandparents. It was by no means easy to bring up. It is hard to say to a parent, what do you want me to do if you can’t take care of yourself? However, at the same time, this is extremely important to determine what would be best for my grandparents were they to become incapacitated. It is a harsh reality, but you never know what may happen. For instance, my grandpa slipped on ice the other day and took a rough fall. Fortunately, he was not seriously injured. However, had he broken a hip, he may have needed some long-term care.
This is why having that difficult conversation is vital. It’s not only important for the seniors to assert their wishes, but also for other family members to understand those wishes and be on the same page when carrying them out. It is a necessary step to avoiding misunderstandings or disagreements amongst siblings or spouses, which is important for avoiding unnecessary and expensive litigation. Having this conversation with an aging loved one is an important step in EVERY family in order to ensure any easier transition as a parent/grandparent begins to age.